The Search for Freedom

Kaila

Many times, I accidentally hurt the workers around the mansion. They might think I was a reckless girl, which was exactly what I thought of myself. But aside from everything, I was very grateful because they understood me and didn't leave me alone in the huge mansion.

Though they didn't know why I could do things which they had never seen before, Amara also told me that maybe I was doing them because I had not moved on from my parents' death. However, everything had happened and it could not be retrieved. It is up to them to rationalize what has happened.

I sat alone on the stairs, often looking at the paintings with my hands on my knees, sometimes inside the pocket of my parka. I had been remembering my mother when something suddenly showed up.

I was so unlucky. It was that pinkish cloud again. I knew it wanted to absorb and grind my whole body again. But I was wrong. Maybe I still had a little luck because my memories were not erased after it brought me to the other place that I didn't even know.

Maybe there was still a little luck left in me, because the pinkish cloud which was supposed to absorb me didn't do what I expected. I suddenly stood up and looked straight ahead when it entered my nose and mouth for some reason that I didn't know.

I seemed to be swallowing water, and it was creeping down through every vein in my body. But I hadn't lost consciousness, and I could still breathe, though there was something stopping me. Something that might be replacing my blood with a gas, a pinkish gas.

But goddammit! I wasn't so lucky as I thought. My whole body slowly stiffened; my fingers, my hands, my arms, my legs and so on. I couldn't control some parts of my own body. I didn't know what was happening to me, but I could only think, see, hear, and feel.

It was so uncomfortable when I could not even move my own legs. Every portion of my body had its own brain; thus, they could move themselves without the order of my brain.

"Help!" I tried to scream. I tried to stop myself from moving, but I couldn't. feeling hard. I could not even show an expression on my face.

My legs slowly brought me outside the mansion and I continued walking towards the gate. I wanted to go back inside because it was cold and there were big nuggets of snow and sleet falling. But however I would try, my body just became more stiff. I could do nothing; my inference was proven to be correct, that I sometimes lost control of myself. It became terrible because it was only my hand, but then my whole body!

I was walking outside the gate when the two guards saw me. They were wearing thick white shirts, long black pants, and waterproof boots. Then they walked towards me.

"Miss beautiful, what are you doing here?" He asked.

"You should not be here, because the weather is cold, and you might be struck by the falling sleet," the other advised.

"Please help me!" I screamed in my brain. Maybe I seemed to be a zombie because I wasn't even looking at their faces, but at my feet.

Instead of asking for their help, my foot kicked one of the guards. He bounced higher, and the others saw what happened. His eyes widened, and he hurriedly ran towards the mansion.

While the guard who had bounced against the snow was crawling on the thick, cold ice going somewhere, my feet would not stop walking. I went towards him. My foot with a five-pound boot eventually stepped on his back; I could tell he was hurt by its weight. The pitiable guard tried to move, but he could not.

"Miss Kaila, please stop this!" He screamed and cried. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me if I said something wrong to you. Please let me go-aah! It's so painful!"

His tears were falling down as he glanced at me, and the muscles in his face flexed as he clenched his teeth. I was the one who felt sorry for him, because I knew he wasn't doing anything wrong, and he was only worried about me.

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Instead of assisting the guard, my feet stepped on his back with such force that he collapsed. His face was buried in the snow, and his hands were both clasped together, as if he was straining to avoid the death that was smiling at him. I jumped on the guard's back and made him totally bury himself. Then the snow covered the heinous crime which my body had committed, but I knew that however the dead body drowned in the pile of snow, it would float someday. "I'm not a killer!" was the next word that crossed my brain. The words that the girl shouted at me many days ago came back to my mind. "You killed him! You killed him! You're a killer! You're a killer!" The cool breeze was screaming in my ears. "Where's she?" Amara asked while going outside the mansion.

"She's there. I can't believe she kicked my co-worker like that."

"I can't believe you too, especially if your friend didn't do anything wrong," Amara added while going outside the gate.

I was afraid that I could also kill them. I knew my body would not follow me, because it was so selfish that it would only follow what it wanted to. Until I noticed a drop of liquid falling from my eyes. They were still lucky because my control of myself had come back again.

It was so glum that I had lost another life. I knew what I did was a big sin, and I didn't know how to escape my conscience. I could do nothing but wipe the tears out of my face with the tip of my parka.

"Oh Kaila, where's the man he said you had been kicking?" Amara asked in a dubious manner. "Tell us why you kicked him."

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I didn't know what to reply. I didn't want to look merciless in other people's eyes. I didn't want to be hated by the people around me, and most of all, I didn't want to be a prisoner. So I didn't tell them anything. "Perhaps he already ran away because of fear." The guard scratched his hair then laughed for an unknown reason.

"Hey! Can you stop joking, even just for a while?" Amara reprimanded him. "Have you forgotten that you were running towards me just a while ago? So stop the crap because it's a serious thing."

"That's right," I interrupted. "He ran because he was thinking that I would do something wrong. Perhaps he was thinking that I might kick him."

"Look Amara, there's nothing to worry about." He appeared to be unconvinced and curious, as if he was just hiding his real expression.

"But why did you tell me that Kaila had kicked off your co-worker?" Amara queried.

The guard was lulled as he looked at my eyes. Maybe he was ashamed of bringing me down, or he was afraid that I might kick him too if he would admit the truth. So he just avoided my eyes, looked at his boots, and stayed quiet for another while, perhaps to think about what to say.

"If you don't want to answer me, then we should go inside; I still have many chores to do." Amara turned back and attempted to go.

"Wait! Amara, I will tell you the truth now." He stopped her.

"Then tell me directly, because there are many things waiting for me inside the mansion."

"The truth was... miss... miss Kaila, really kicked the guard so that he bounced higher and plummeted against the thick ice."