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Claire

This is my last night with Lucca, my last chance to make him see that I’m not a little girl anymore. I’ve missed Steven and Tracy dearly, and I’m happy to be able to see them, but I also can’t help feeling sad about Lucca leaving. I feel like I just got him back, and now he is disappearing. I’m losing him all over again.

Part of me knows I should be glad. What he said is true, I need a family and stable home. Unfortunately, there is this other part of me telling me I won’t be happy without Lucca. There is a voice in the back of my mind urging me to stay with him. What kind of life would that be, though? I’m not naive to think that it would be great. I mean, look at us now.

He wants me to go to school and be a kid, but I don’t feel like a kid anymore. I don’t fit in with those teenagers, and I never will. I’m basically an adult. Now I just need to make Lucca see me as one too. All day I’ve been contemplating what to do, how to make him see me as more than the little girl he saved.

We ordered pizza and watched a movie together, but it wasn’t quite how I wanted it to be. He stayed on his bed, and I on mine. Every once in a while, I would catch him watching me, staring at me with a faraway look in his eyes. It’s the last push I need to make a move.

He’s in the shower when I finalize my plan. I’m terrified of him rejecting me, but I will never know if I don’t try.

With shaking hands, I take off my clothes until I’m completely naked. I’m so nervous that I almost get dressed again. Instead, I force my feet to move.

Turning off the light, I climb into bed and tuck the blanket over me. The sheets are cool but soft against my skin, sending goosebumps across my arms.

Excitement and fear swirl around my stomach as I wait for Lucca to finish in the bathroom. A million thoughts enter my mind. What if he rejects me? No, I can’t think about that. He just needs to see that I’m grown up now. All he needs is a little push, and that’s exactly what I’m giving him.

Just a little push.

My entire body jerks when the bathroom door opens. Light filters into the room for a few seconds before Lucca turns it off, descending the room into darkness once more.

I can’t hear his footsteps, but I swear I feel his body moving. The air between us shifts, and my breathing speeds up. I’m hyper-aware of every little movement I make. Every tiny motion shifts the blanket so slightly over my naked skin.

My throat suddenly feels so dry it’s difficult to swallow, and when I feel the bed dip, my heart ceases to beat for a moment before picking back up at hyper-speed.

Lucca settles into the spot next to me, and for a long moment, I just lie there, questioning myself and my plan.

Maybe this is a mistake?

A few minutes pass, and I shake all those fears and insecurities away. This is my chance. It’s now or never.

Gathering all my courage, I pull the blanket from my body. Cool air washes over my heated skin as I move around the bed. Lucca says something, but I can’t make out his words.Belonging © NôvelDram/a.Org.

In the dark, I reach out to him until my hand lands on his chest. I climb on top of him, straddling his torso while keeping both of my hands planted on his chest.

“Claire,” he says my name loud enough for me to hear. His chest rumbles beneath my touch, sending little shock waves through my body. “Claire-”

I lean down, hoping that I can find his lips in the dark. By a stroke of luck, I do. I press my lips to his, and my body tingles.

My first kiss…

For that one moment, everything is okay. Nothing standing between us, not age or morals. No one is hunting us. My parents are alive, and Lucca isn’t a criminal.

We’re just two people who like each other.

For this single moment, I’m happy. I forget everything around us and simply enjoy Lucca’s warm lips against mine. One moment…

I should have known that there is no lasting happiness for me.

Lucca grabs me by the hips and pushes me off him. The next instant, the light flickers on, and the reality of what I’ve done comes crashing down on me.

“What the fuck are you doing, Claire?” Lucca yells loud enough for me, and everyone else in this hotel to hear. His eyes briefly roam over my naked body before he looks away with disgust. “Jesus, Claire! Put some fucking clothes on.”

I can pinpoint the exact moment my heart breaks in two. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t like my body. He finds me repulsive. He won’t even look at me.

Never in my life have I felt so humiliated and disgusted with myself.

In a haste, I grab my clothes off the chair and put them back on. Even fully dressed, the feeling of being exposed doesn’t leave me.

Without facing Lucca again, I get into the second bed and pull the blanket over me. I’ve turned away from him, so I can only see the wall, but I know he is going to want to talk before he turns off the light.

As predicted, he walks around the bed to stand right in front of me. I close my eyes, pretending to be asleep, but of course, he knows better.

“Claire,” he calls to me, touching my shoulder lightly.

My eyes fly open, and I pull away as if his touch burns my skin.

“What?” I ask, like I’m oblivious to the situation.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. You caught me by surprise. It was a poor decision to let you sleep in the bed with me, to begin with. I take responsibility for that.”

Way to dig the knife in deeper.

I turn away, unable to listen to him any longer, but he doesn’t let me get away. Pinching my chin, he tilts my face, so I’m looking at him. Unable to look anywhere else, I’m forced to stare into his amber eyes.

“Look, you don’t have to be embarrassed. You’re a teenager. Hormones are making you feel all kinds of things. It’s normal to have a crush on someone older than you.”

He might as well have slapped me with what he said.

“I’m not a child.”

Lucca’s gaze turns to steel. “To me, you are.”

Not able to take any more of this, I shrug away from his hold and pull the blanket over my head. I know it won’t protect me from anything, especially not from Lucca, but for the rest of the night, I pretend it does. I pretend this fluffy hotel comforter is a steel wall protecting me from the world.

Rejection settles deep into my bones. Tear after tear falls from my eyes and runs down the side of my face. I imagine every single one falling onto the mattress and staining it forever, just like my heart.