In Love With My Boyfriend’s Brother

I never said I hate you.

He still looks at me blankly and completes:

”I wanted you to hate me.”

Hearing this makes me angry and I say:

”Do you have any idea how bipolar you are?”

I try to follow, but he stops me.

It would be easier. It’s always easier when you’re hating me, but… I can’t live with it.

I look at him confused and he continues:

”After I kissed you….”

He runs his hand down his neck and confesses:

”Well, I wanted to kiss you again.”

I laugh.

Not because this is funny, more a nervous laugh at what I just heard.

I think he understands.

Right away my breath is burning in my throat for a while. He continues:

”So I had to act like an idiot, because if you hated me it would make it easier for me. Believe me, I know it’s selfish of me.”

I remember one of the reasons why I am hating him these days, I look at his arm and he follows my gaze and immediately understands:

”That was pretty dumb too.”

I avert my eyes and go to say:

”Look…”

He interrupts me:

”I just know that making you hate me is horrible. I don’t want you to keep looking at me like that.”

”What way?”

”As if everything we’ve ever had was a mistake.”

I look at him for a moment, take a deep breath, and say:

”It was a mistake, Yan.”

He looks down for a while and looks really sad. I don’t like to say it like this, but I also know that we have to stop. I want my life back, the way it was, and if we don’t stop for good, it’s not going to happen.

I continue:

”I’m dating your brother, you’re dating Tracy. I don’t hate you, I just hate the fact that I’m attracted to you and if you don’t cooperate, it’s hard for me too. We already tried it your way and it didn’t seem to work, so let’s try it my way?”

he asks:

”And what would that be?”

Leave things as they are, forget what we’ve already had, and move on with the people we choose.

He takes a deep breath, then answers:

”All right.”

I give him a weak smile and say:

”Now I really need to go.”

He leads the way and I follow without looking back. My heart is tight and I wish I hadn’t kept looking at his mouth and remembering how good that kiss was.

I really am the shit myself.

”No tattoo at all.”

I turn around and Yan is looking at me. This takes me by surprise. He adds:

”This will always be something I did just for you.”

I’m too surprised to say anything.

Why does he always have to say the right thing and leave me like this?

I whimper.

He’s wearing sunglasses, standing where I left him, and he looks at me for a while, then turns and walks away.

I continue to stand looking in his direction as he walks away.

I return home after work and while I shower I can’t stop thinking about the conversation I had earlier today with Yan.

Maybe now we can finally move on and put all this behind us, that’s what I really want.

I think.

Damn it, I hate not being sure about this, especially when I meet him.

…

”Matt: I won’t be able to come to your apartment today.”

”Matt: Too much work”

”Me: I have to study too”

”Matt: See you tomorrow then”

”Me: Alright”

”Matt: Kiss”

”Me: Kiss”

Matt won’t be able to sleep over and I can’t come over because I have a test early tomorrow morning and I have to study.

I’ll stay in the books until midnight and then I’ll go to sleep.

….

As soon as I get out of college I go straight to work, because I have to put some books that are bothering me (in that little cubicle I call my own at work) in a box and bring them to my apartment.

I arrive in front of my building and see that it is already 5:30 in the afternoon. The traffic was horrible and I still have to carry this box to my floor.

I stare at it on the floor for a while, trying to get up the courage to do this.

I take a deep breath. My back is going to hate this. I lift the box up and realize that it is heavier than I thought.

”I’ll help you.”

I turn around to find Yan standing behind me. He is wearing a red cap with the brim back, reminding me that he is only eighteen years old anyway.

He lifts the box, as if it doesn’t weigh more than half a pound.

I don’t have much of a reaction. I didn’t expect to run into him today.

So I just say:

”You around here?”Content rights by NôvelDr//ama.Org.

He smiles and I catch myself looking at his mouth again, but I disguise it.

He says:

”Remember I said Tracy lives nearby?”

I nod my head affirmatively.

He continues:

”So, I was there. I made an appointment with Kyle to meet me at a bar nearby and he is waiting for me so we can go to the skate park.”

I just smile and he says:

”So, where do you want to take this?”

I run my hand over my eyebrow to disguise the discomfort of being here together again and answer:

”Upstairs, to my apartment.”

He smiles and says:

”Can we go then?”

”I can take…”

He interrupts me:

”Is that serious?”

I’m speechless. I don’t want the two of us alone, but I can’t say that. It sounds childish. And if I want to make this work I have to get back to feeling comfortable around him, because whether I like it or not he’ll always be around.

He’s still waiting for an answer, so I say, pointing forward:

”All right, then.”

The doorman warns us that the elevator is having problems, so we take the stairs. Yan goes ahead with the box and I say the first thing that comes to mind to end this awkward silence:

”I should visit Tracy, but I guess our schedules don’t match.”

He just turns and smiles saying:

”Yep”

The silence returns, but fortunately, we are standing in front of my apartment now.

I step in front of him and open the door. He enters after me and we stare at each other for a while. He raises his eyebrows and I say:

”What?”

He laughs and says:

”Where do I put this?”

”Oh,, right there on that table in the center.”

I close my eyes as he turns away and taps my forehead mentally saying:

“Stop acting like that girl!”

He turns around and I put a dull smile on my face and say:

”Thank you very much indeed, Yan.”

He just smiles sideways.

We stand facing each other and after a few awkward seconds again, I say going into the kitchen:

”Do you want anything juice, water?”

Water’s fine.

”I’ll get it in a minute.”

He stays in the living room, while I put water in a glass and then take it to him.

He drinks the water but doesn’t take his eyes off me. This makes me somewhat uncomfortable.

He finishes drinking the water, thanks to me, and hands me back the glass. He smiles and says:

”Good, I think I’ll be right there.”

Thank you again, Yan.

He smiles, I think he understands that I am thanking him for leaving too.

I just wish he would stop biting that smile like that.

Damn it!

I breathe a sigh of relief as he turns and heads toward the door.

I follow him so that I can close the door, but he says turning around:

”I need to try this again.”

I question:

”Try what?”

I don’t even finish my sentence and he has his mouth on mine.

As I let go of the kiss, I realize how much I missed it.

I knew I needed something that I didn’t know what it was, and it’s horrible to admit to myself that it was his lips.

He squeezes me tighter and tighter as we deepen our lips as if we are hungry for each other.

When I pull away from him I don’t look into his eyes, I just put my hands on his chest and we stay like this for a few seconds. I know he’s looking at me, but I don’t want to look back.

He would know how I feel, in fact I think from the way I held him and how my mouth showed it was eager for him, I think he has an idea now.

I dare to look into his eyes that I know are in mine for a split second before I turn and walk towards the kitchen.

I close my eyes for a while as I hold the sink steady with both hands.

I don’t want to think. The way I always do. But this time I can’t because he’s right behind me.

My breathing is still heavy because I am beginning to realize that maybe I like him. I squeeze my eyes shut even harder in frustration with myself.

I don’t want to feel this.

But as I think about it, I feel something else. His hands were around my waist.

I hold my breath for a second. He’s hugging me from behind, with his body pressed against mine and his head resting on my shoulder near my neck.

He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, just takes a deep breath the way I am too.

He raises a hand pulls my hair away and kisses my neck. I feel my body shiver. He says softly in my ear:

”You have goosebumps, see you want me too.”

I bite my lips and say trying not to sound affected:

”It’s just cold.”

He laughs again, and I don’t want to mention what the sound of his laughter does to my body, one part in particular and he slips his hand under my skirt and slowly works his way up leaving me totally out of control as he says:

”You want me…”

He takes a deep breath, places his fingers slowly inside my panties, and completes:

”Inside you.”