Girl Abroad

AT ELEVEN O’CLOCK SHARP, I WALK INTO THE BAR AND FIND NATE still working behind the long counter. He’s in a snug black T-shirt, dark locks of hair falling onto his forehead as he concentrates on mixing a drink. As always, my heart speeds up, because I’m a complete and utter goner when it comes to this man.

At the sight of me, his eyes flicker with pleasure, then regret as he explains that the other bartender was a no-show, which means Nate has to stay for another hour.

“It’s all right,” I assure him, hopping up on a stool. “We can chat while you work. Pour me something yummy?”

“You got it.” He returns a moment later and hands me a glass of wine with a raspberry on top.

“Thanks.”

“You look good,” he says, mixing drinks as he talks.

I smile wryly. “Is that your way of saying it’s been a while and you’d almost forgotten what I looked like?”

Nate just winks and pours a line of shots for another customer.

Watching him work is fascinating. He’s not one of those bartenders who flings bottles and shakers around, chatting up the crowd and hamming it up for tips. Or maybe that’s not a British thing. Either way, his slightly aloof demeanor attracts a crowd of admirers, women throwing themselves against the bar to get his attention.

Seeing it does strike certain chords inside me. It reminds me why I’d been in knots from the moment I saw him on that stage. How quickly I lost my mind the first time I got on the back of his bike and wrapped my arms around him while we sped through the streets of London.

A curvy woman elbows her way in beside me. She’s wearing too much makeup and her boobs are hanging out. She tries her hardest to flirt with him as Nate watches me attempt to not look annoyed, grinning like a cocky bastard.

“Point taken,” I tell him once he’s served her drink and sent her off.

“Didn’t say a word.”

Cheeky Nate does terrible things to my body. Accelerates my pulse and sends a tickle between my legs.

“So you called this meeting,” I remind him, forcing my head out of the gutter. “What did you want to talk about?”

Nate speaks over his shoulder while ringing up credit cards. “Budapest.”

“Like the city?”

“Exactly like the city.”

“Not my area of expertise, I’m afraid.”

He returns to lean against the bar as I take a sip of my wine.

“This wine is good,” I say, running my tongue over my bottom lip to lick off a lingering drop. “Really good.”

His gaze heats as it tracks the movement of my tongue. “It’s my favorite one we sell. Nobody ever orders it because it’s also the cheapest and these assholes think the price tag has anything to do with how it tastes.”

“So Budapest,” I repeat. “Any particular reason?”

Nate tips his head in that sexy way he does. “Want to go?”

I blink. “Tonight?”

“I mean, if you’re game, I was thinking next week. That’s your break from school, yeah?”

Holy déjà vu.

If I was the suspicious type, I’d think these guys planned this. Conspiring to test my affections.

“You just came up with this?” I search his face for more clarity.

He shrugs. “I thought if we made it a week in Budapest or wherever without killing each other, then maybe I could convince you to come travel with me this summer.”

“You’re not serious.”

My head starts spinning with images of us backpacking through the streets of Hungary, exploring ancient landmarks and popping into dimly lit cafés. Then later, other dimly lit activities. Just Nate and I, caught up in our own adventure.

“Why not?” He’s got mischief in his eyes, which is a dangerous thing with a guy like Nate. There’s all sorts of trouble a mind like his can get up to.

“I thought you were a solo traveler,” I say, still completely shook by his invitation.

“Maybe you changed my mind.”

“I’d love to know how I did that.”

“Ignoring me for five weeks was part of it,” he admits before having to step away for a moment to pour some drinks and ring up orders. Then he’s back, watching me with that deep, intense gaze.

“So this is a ploy to get me back. Is that it?”

“I missed you,” Nate says under those dark lashes. “Which made me realize how much more I’d miss you if I was on the road for three months without you.”

I bite my lip against the blush rising to my cheeks. Damn him, but he’s good at this.

“And maybe I realized that feeling I’d been avoiding wasn’t going away.”

My breath gets stuck in my lungs. “What feeling is that?”

“That I’m in love with you.”

God. You have got to be kidding me.

Is he actually saying this? Mere hours after Jack declared the same?

Nate meets my startled gaze, taking my hand to rub his thumb over the inside of my wrist. “And if you’ll say yes, I want this adventure with you. We can make some memories together. Maybe a little trouble along the way. Whatever we want.”

I suddenly grasp the gravity of his offer. What it means to him to make plans. To allow someone else into his sphere and share this dream with me. It’s the only thing I’ve asked of him, and he’s handing it to me on a platter.Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

But the timing is…terrible.

I’m as tempted to say yes and chase the road with him as I was to say yes to Jack and fly off to Sydney.

And the fact that the choice isn’t clear in my mind in this instant means I can’t honestly say what my heart wants.

“Baby?” he says huskily. “What do you think?”

I think that if he calls me baby again, I’m liable to melt in a puddle on this beer-stained floor.

Instead, I swallow hard and say, “If I say no to Budapest, is summer off the table?”

He smiles wryly. “I take that to mean you’re saying no to Budapest?”

“I think so.” I nod regretfully. “Yeah, I’m saying no. Not because I don’t want to go. I desperately want to go. But…it’s too short notice. And you’ve thrown me for a loop here. I need more than a couple days to articulate the jumbled mess of thoughts that are fogging up my brain.”

He nods back. “It was worth a try. And to answer your question, summer is still very much on the table. You know…before I met you, my only goal was to save as much money as I could and see the world. Collect experiences. Never wanted to be tied down or corralled while I did that. And now…”

I can scarcely breathe. “And now what?”

“Now I’m recognizing the value of having someone along for the ride. Someone you’re passionate about. I meant what I said, Abbey. I’ve fallen for you. I’ve fallen bloody hard.”

A smile tugs on my lips.

“With that said…I’ll still see you when I get back, right?” He reaches for my hand again, rubbing his thumb across my wrist. It’s a gesture I’ve come to understand as his way of saying I’d be trying to take your pants off right now if we weren’t in public.

“Definitely.”

He flashes that cheeky smile. “And in case you change your mind, I don’t leave until early Saturday morning. Flight’s at four a.m. Find me at the airport if you reconsider.”

After leaving Nate’s bar, I find myself on a bus bench and entirely disoriented. For a moment, I’m not even sure where I am. I just started down the sidewalk and kept going for several blocks until I looked up and didn’t recognize my surroundings. According to my phone map, I’m farther east than I’ve ever ventured through the city on foot.

Out of breath and a bit overwhelmed, I slouch and stare at the traffic until the noise and car exhaust quiet my frantic thoughts.

I’ve spent months in limbo, suspended between disparate paths. Struggling with a decision that feels like not just a choice between two guys but two vastly different interpretations of myself. Now, the status quo is collapsing beneath my feet, and if I don’t grab for one of their ropes, I’m committing to finding out what’s at the bottom on my own. Which I guess is a choice in itself. Maybe even the one that risks the fewest hearts.

I need a sounding board. Grabbing my phone from my purse, I send an SOS to Eliza.

Me: I’m back in the love triangle. Help.

Her response is instantaneous. It’s early evening in Nashville, and I imagine she’s just returned to her dorm after dinner at the meal hall on campus.

Eliza: Were you ever out of it?

Me: Yes. I told both of them to fuck off. But now they both want me as their girlfriend.

Me: Is this how the Kardashians feel?

Eliza: Wait, you forgave Hot Jack? And Drifter Nate wants to settle down? Is this an alternate dimension?

Me: Right??

Me: So what do I do?

Eliza: Pick one.

Me: Gee. Wow. That is some transcendent advice. Thank you.

A moment later, she calls me. I pick up instantly, groaning in lieu of hello.

“Okay, catch me up,” Eliza orders. “How did all these new developments come to pass?”

“Well, I just saw Nate at his bar, and he invited me to Budapest for spring break.”

“Wow.”

“After he told me he’s in love with me.”

“Double wow.”

“Yeah.”

“And you said Hot Jack’s also back in the picture? Please don’t tell me he got down on one knee.”

“No, but basically. He asked me to come to Sydney to meet the family and be his girlfriend.”

“The nerve.”

“Right?”

Eliza’s amused chuckle tickles my ear. “Okay, so what are you going to do?”

“Well, I turned down both trip offers but not the rest of it.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning I forgave Jack and told him I’d consider making things official between us. And I told Nate I’d consider going away for the entire summer with him.”

“Aren’t you ambitious.” She laughs again before her tone becomes serious. “What choice are you leaning toward?”

“If I had the answer to that, I wouldn’t be sitting on a bench at midnight bothering your ass.”

“Good point. Then we make a list. Pros and cons.”

“Doesn’t that seem a little…dispassionate?”

“Because you’ve done so well without my help?” Eliza snickers when I don’t answer. “Thought so. Never question my methods.”

So we do it her way. I arrange for an Uber and then, while I wait for it, Eliza and I make a list. Matching Jack’s steadiness against Nate’s spontaneity.

Jack’s cocky laughter versus Nate’s rare cheekiness.

That mellow, silly, comfortable way I feel with Jack compared to the excitement and passion Nate sparks in me.

And once again, it comes back to who I envision myself to be when I’m with them.

But who am I, damn it? What do I most connect with? The allure of the free spirit I can be, trotting the globe and living life to its fullest? Or a simpler, laughter-filled, everyday existence appreciating the little pleasures?

Both have their appeal.

Ultimately, what this exercise tells me is that I still don’t know myself at all.

Three days later, my anxiety has peaked, and I’m no closer to figuring out what I want. I know my dad is convinced you can’t love two people at once, but the longer I obsess over Jack and Nate, the more I doubt Dad’s conviction.

I think he’s wrong.

I think I’m in love with them both.

I keep waiting for my heart to put me out of my misery. Give me an answer. A sign. But I’m as torn today as I’ve ever been, and I have no clue what to do about it.

So I’ve fallen back on old habits of avoidance. Sequestering myself in the library under the pretense of homework and research. Hiding from the conflicting emotions I’m unable to understand or to process.

But these past few days, a creeping feeling has crawled its way into my brain and burrowed deep. The awful, unsettling nausea of wondering if I’ve made a terrible mistake by not choosing to go to Budapest with Nate.

Or Sydney with Jack.

I should’ve just agreed to go.

To Budapest.

Or Sydney.

I release a silent scream as I trudge down the sidewalk toward the Talbot Library. I’m liable to drive myself mad at this point. Whatever. Fine. I didn’t say yes to either trip. That might be the least of my concerns right now.

Because they’ll both be back in a week wanting an answer to the question that matters: Do I love them too? And if so, which one?

As I’m approaching my usual table, Mr. Baxley spots me and marches over with unusual haste.

“You’re late, Ms. Bly,” he reprimands me, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose.

I eye him in amusement. “Am I? I didn’t realize we’d made an appointment.”

“You didn’t receive my message?”

Brow furrowed, I pull my phone from my bag. “I didn’t see any message. Maybe you sent it when I had no service on the Tube— ”

“Forget that,” he says, dismissively waving at my phone. “I have news.”

“You do?”

“Indeed.”

“Okay… What is it?”

Mr. Baxley bestows me with the rarest of gifts.

A smile.

“I do believe I’ve learned the fate of your Josephine.”