Always Been You

Katherine pulled the chicken breasts she had been thawing all day out of the fridge just as Tim burst into the kitchen.

“Mom, can I go to Oliver’s house to play with legos?” he asked.

She gave him a quick smile. “Sure. But not now, dear. After you have eaten.”

“Okay!” Tim called as he dashed back into the living room. “We can, but not yet” she heard him say, and she couldn’t help but smile. She pulled a knife from the butcher block holder and started slicing.

Jensen flashed into her head and she put the knife down. She didn’t want to accidentally cut her finger off if she wasn’t concentrating fully on what she was doing. She wasn’t sure what to make of this weirdness. It wasn’t just that getting involved with him was a bad idea-it was these strange feelings he aroused inside her. Making her acknowledge that she was a woman with needs and feelings.

Well, except she didn’t want to have needs and feelings. They complicated everything, and she was looking to keep her focus on her son only. Getting distracted by a guy wasn’t going to allow her to do that.

Was it okay if she was both parents to Tim? So far she was trying her best. She inhaled sharply at the little voice, then picked up the knife and resumed slicing the chicken.

A crash sounded from the living room as blocks hit the ground, closely followed by loud laughter. It made her smile. Obviously they had decided to play here. No, she wasn’t wrong to keep her focus on her Tim. Not at all. He wouldn’t be small forever and she was right to keep him at the center of her world.

Her phone rang. A quick glance at the display revealed it to be her mother.

Katherine washed her hands quickly and grabbed the phone.

“Hi, Mom,” she said, tucking the phone under her ear and reaching for a skillet. “How is your day going?”NôvelDrama.Org owns all © content.

Her mother’s laugh rolled over the connection. “Same as always, dear. Nothing new”

Katherine smiled. She knew she had made the right decision moving back. They chatted for a minute, then Katherine said, “I’ve got to get something going on the stove. I’m going to give you to Tim.”

It took only a moment to set them up, and she returned to the kitchen to get the chicken going. When she went back out to the living room, she heard them all laughing, and was happy that her mom was closer now.

“Okay, Tim, it’s my turn. Say bye to Grandma.” she said.

Tim did, and Katherine picked the phone up. “What did he talk about? Legos?” she asked her mom.

“Mmm, somewhat. But mostly about a dog. And Jensen.”

“Jensen?” Katherine’s mind went completely blank. Her mom, of course, pounced that very minute.

“Are you dating him?” Delia asked.

There was no censure in her mother’s voice, only a gentle curiosity. Horror rushed through Katherine, followed by a sort of emptiness.

“No. No, of course not, Mom. Why would you ask that?” She tried to keep her tone light, keep this conversation from going any further.

Delia’s sigh carried over the connection. “Why wouldn’t you? It’s not a bad thing, Kathrine. You’re young. Gorgeous. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t.”

Katherine let out a little laugh, but it sounded forced. “Of course, I know that mom. But I’m not dating anyone… Not yet”

“I remember how close you both used to be… And you had such a huge crush on him… He likes you too” Delia said. “You need someone to take care of you and Tim, Kathy”

A powerful sorrow pressed on Katherine’s chest. “I can take care of us.” she said.

“Of course you can. And you do. You do a wonderful job of it. But who takes care of you, dear? And don’t say you do,” Delia added. “I’m not talking about physical care of yourself and you know it. I’m talking about the emotional. A partner to share the day to day with. You don’t have to be alone. I haven’t wanted to say anything, but since this is the first time Tim mentioned anyone outside of your little circle, I thought I’d ask.”

Katherine stabbed at the chicken with the spatula. “I’m fine, Mom,” she said, even though the thickness of her voice belied her words. She swallowed hard. “I take care of myself just fine. And Tim just likes Jensen’s dog. That’s all.”

“I know he is available,” Delia said. She wasn’t giving up. “How old is he by the way?”

Now Katherine had to laugh at the hope in her mother’s voice. “It doesn’t matter how old he is, Mom. Older than me, yeah, but not by much. And I’m not interested enough to know if he’s available. He’s not interested in me. At all.”

Was that too much protesting? She thought. Goodness. She shook her head. Good thing her mother couldn’t see her.

Delia made a little noise. “Mmmm… Your father told me he helped him with your lawn… And he also helped you move in… I just thought… Okay, maybe he was just being friendly. Just promise me, Kathy. Maybe it’s not Jensen, but if one comes along, don’t hide from it.”

“Fine, Mom,” Katherine said. “Are you going to stop now?”

Delia laughed. “Fine,” she said. “I will stop”

Katherine sighed. While part of her knew her mother was right, part of her resisted it so hard because it was a step into the unknown. And it seemed silly as an adult to be afraid of the unknown. But she controlled what she could, and right now she kept everything as safe as she could. With as little risk to them as possible.

Bringing in someone new- especially Jensen- ran the risk of upending everything and leaving them swinging in the breeze again if he should decide to leave. She’d been through the soul sucking pain of loss already. She wasn’t risking going back to that.

“I appreciate your concern,” she said carefully. “But I think I’ve got everything under control. I can’t make any promises about possibilities, Mom, but I will try. I think that’s all I can do right now.”

There was the slightest of pauses. “Then that’s all I can ask for. I love you, honey. I just want what’s best for you.” Delia said.

“I love you, too,” Katherine said. “And I know you do.” She hoped her mother wouldn’t push this, wouldn’t keep at her to pursue something she wasn’t in any way ready for. Wasn’t sure she’d ever be ready for it.