Alpha Billionaire Series

MADII

My stomach grumbled. I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch, and it was coming up on three in the afternoon. I hated leaving Drew alone there in that bed, but it had gotten easier as the months passed. I no longer feared he would spontaneously wake up without me there, calling for me. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing, or if it meant I'd giver up on hope.

For months, I'd lived my life paralyzed by guilt. That boat was my choice, scuba diving for our combined bachelor/bachelorette party. He'd wanted other things, but I insisted I'd never been diving. I begged him. That weigh sat heavy in my gut, though thankfully the nightmares had finally gone away a few months ago.

Offering Drew a kiss on the back of the hand, I let myself out of his room. No one seemed to notice me as I ambled down the hallways. This part of the hospital was all but empty normally, reserved for long-term care patients who couldn't be placed in nursing homes. I recognized a few faces, but mostly I felt like a ghost wandering a home they didn’t belong in.

The cafeteria bustled with activity, the loud hollow echoes straining my ears after having heard only silence for hours. I read to Drew, but other than the clicking of his machines, I lived in mostly silence anymore. Something smelled off, but then it was a hospital cafeteria, not a gourmet restaurant. There was no line. I wasn't sure if that was an indicator of how bad the food was, or just that it wasn’t lunch time at the moment.

I grabbed a tray and slid it across the metal bars that lined the front of the glass windows separating customers fron staff. Food displayed behind the glass had small cards set beside each dish with labels of what they were. I selected lasagna and garlic bread, and the younger man behind the counter placed some on a plate and pushed it toward me across the counter. I smiled politely, but it was all I could muster.

After paying, I found a place at a table way in the back of the room away from anyone else. Other than my best friends Crystal and Lexi, an occasional visit with my parents, or my sister Violet, I lived in isolation. Sure, I took photos of lots of people, but those interactions were fake, forced smiles for propriety and professionalism. Grief was too heavy to carry out to nightclubs or parties. And no one understood why I held on so tightly. Drew was my everything. How was I supposed to let go?

“This seat taken?” I looked up to see the handsome face of Dr. Gavin Carpenter. He stood holding a tray of food, blue scrubs covering his other clothing, and a blue elastic cap holding his hair up off his face.

“Uh, no... Sure, you can sit here.” I shifted nervously, not knowing how to react. It wasn’t odd to see him there. We'd had lunch together many times in the past several months, but today for whatever reason, I was just feeling particularly off.

Gavin sat, placing his tray on the table before setting down. I took a deep breath to force my depression back down into the dark hole it belonged in. With a few blinks, I plastered my professional “I'm a photographer, so if I don't smile you won't smile” look on my face and stuffed my fork into my lasagna. I didn’t know what to say, so I filled my mouth with food, hoping he'd either eat in silence—as we had on some occasions—or have his own topics to discuss. Unfortunately, it was the latter.

“Why do you do that?” Gavin picked up his wax-paper-wrapped sandwich and peeled the sticker off, folding back the paper carefully to expose the food.

“Do what?” I asked, after swallowing a hefty bite of average lasagna. My mom was not such a great cook, but even he lasagna was better than this.

“Pretend you're not hurting when I am around. You know I work with this sort of stuff all the time, and I see a lot of people who grieve for a loved one who hasn't yet passed.” He took a bite of his sandwich and chewed carefully, watching my face.

I shrugged, attempting to bypass the question, but he was right. He knew me too well to hide my emotion. He'd seen me weeping over the side of Drew's bed too many times to hide the fact that I was struggling. And while he wasn't a counselor, I knew he probably understood better than just about anyone.

“I don't know.” I didn’t let it all hang out, because I was still in public. There were eyes all over this cafeteria watching. I didn't want to be that woman who sat and had a mental breakdown in public. “Seems like the right thing to do.”

“You don’t have to shelter me from your grief, Madison. I understand.”

For a moment we ate without speaking. I lost my appetite, but I forced the food into my mouth anyway. Alice had warned me that I needed to continue eating to keep my strength up. She always framed it with “if Drew wakes up,” but I knew she had given up that hope a long time ago. Around the three-month mark, when Gavin had told us that most coma patients die within three days of entering coma, I saw the light fade from her eyes. When he told us the longest-living coma patient to ever wake up was in his forties, that's when Henry gave up.

Me? I was too stupid to give up. So, I sat by his side, holding his hand daily, watching his body atrophy. Even his body was giving up. But denial had sunk its claws into me like a symbiote claiming a victim. I was helpless to give in. Drew had to wake. It had to be okay now.

“Hey, don’t cry.” Gavin took his napkin and dabbed at my cheeks. I couldn't contain the emotion any longer. Days without your best friend are difficult. Weeks, they seem like torture, but spending I6 months without Drew by my side had altered my life, my personality, permanently.

“I'm so sorry.” I pushed away his hand and wiped at the tears. “I'm so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to spoil your lunch, blubbering on like this” I used my napkin to dry my eyes, then turned my back to him as I blew my nose. I couldn't eat another bite, but that didn’t mean I had to gross him out, so he'd lose his appetite too.

“Nonsense.” Gavin was quiet until I turned around. “Madii, what you're going through is traumatic. It's been almost a year and a half, and you're just mourning.”

Confused, I frowned at him, blinking away more tears. “Mourning? Drew is still alive.” Bitterness rose up in my chest, burning indignation for anything that stood between me and the shred of hope I clung to. Who was he to tell me I was mourning?

I watched his face clear. He pushed his tray aside as if he were finished, and he reached out and took my hand.

“You can mourn the loss of someone even if they're not dead. You lived your life together. You dreamt together, adventured together, even slept in the same bed together, right?”

I nodded, feeling the weight of his words smack my chest. Every kiss, every time he held me. Every soft whisper of hi voice in my ear—gone. There were no phone calls, no late-night venting sessions, no arguments. I couldn't complain about his horrible driving or laugh at his stupid dad jokes. I hadn't been on a vacation or adventure seeking trip since his life was put on pause. And I hadn't thought of the fact that all of this was grieving the loss of something. More tears sluiced down my cheeks.

“Okay, so you're mourning. You're grieving for a life that you were supposed to have, that you do not have currently. It's okay to have emotions about that.”Property © NôvelDrama.Org.

I clung to Gavin's hand, his thumb rubbing lightly on my fingers. There was such strength in his grip, and I drew up or it, willing his confidence and assurance to become my own. I had no words to offer him, so I cried. When I was calm again, I looked up, fearful that the entire room was staring at me. Then I realized the truth.

The entire world had continued on, as if I didn’t exist. Like Drew lying there in that hospital bed, no one in the world seemed to notice my pain. Things kept on as normal, as if pain and death didn't alter our lives forever.

“How can they just go on?" I gestured around the room, removing my hands from Gavin's.

“Because they know one thing you're forgetting.”

I peered up at his confident but sympathetic expression. I expected him to just say it, but he didn’t. He made me draw it out of him.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, they understand that for everything, there is a time and a season. If you stay in a season that is passing, yo! will miss life. It will pass you by. But if you are sensitive to what is changing around you, and you are willing to let Life guide you in the right direction, you will see that life finds a way. Every time. All things will work together for your good, Madii.”

As corny as it sounded—almost like a religious message blasted over the television at 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning— he was right. I blinked back the last of my tears and took the napkin he offered me. There was something about his words that brought me comfort. I felt at home there with him, so I sat quietly as he finished his lunch. I still had no interest in eating what I had purchased, but I didn’t have the will power to return to Drew's side and stare at his closed eyes. Maybe it was time to stop traumatizing myself daily by sitting by his bedside nonstop. Or maybe it was time for me to just move on, like Gavin said—like Alice said.

“Gavin?” He wiped the corner of his mouth with a finger and nodded at me. “Do you think he will wake up? I mean, really. Not the scientific doctor mumbo jumbo, but you personally.”

Gavin took a deep breath and sorted the trash off his plate, stacking his dirty dishes and tray with mine, then positioning it in front of himself.

“The medical side of me wants to tell you that as long as there is breath in his lungs, there is hope.”

“But?”

“But if you are asking me as a person, I'd have given up hope long ago. The odds, the statistics aren't in his favor. Life is too short to sit around waiting on someone who may never wake up. You have your whole life ahead of you; don't forget that. Life is bigger than your moment.”

Gavin stood, picking up the tray to leave. “And I need you to understand, I'm not saying these things because I think you're attractive and I'd like to get to know you better. While those things are very true, I am a patient man, and I understand your heart is taken right now. I'm saying what I'm saying as a friend who understands things in a way yot don't.

“It might be time to move on, Madii. If you're feeling this way, then it might just be the universe telling you to take a breath and reposition your sails. A fresh wind may be blowing for you to move on. Don't miss it"

Gavin walked away, his absence striking me hard. Suddenly, I wished he hadn't left, that he'd have stayed to comfort me. I looked around, thinking if I followed him, maybe he'd walk me to Drew's room, but he was gone. He had left a void of unsettled feelings, confusion, and longing. It got mixed with the grief and heartache of losing my best friend, and that cauldron of emotion overwhelmed me. I didn't even want to return to Drew's side that day. But I did.

I made my way back to his room, back to the beeping and clicking of machines. Back to the loneliness of isolation. Pam couldn't bring me out of my misery, neither could Cecil, and Gavin never visited that day. My heart was lost without Drew. He had been my pillar of strength, the same strength I'd experienced when Gavin tried encouraging ms at lunch. And now I just felt confused.

I didn’t want to move on. I didn't want to let go of that hope, because to let go of hope that he would wake up and b with me was terrifying. Like jumping from a plane knowing you have to pull your own ripcord for the first time. Only, I'd done that a dozen times, and knew the effect of pulling that cord meant the parachute opened and I got to enjoy the ride of my life.

This time, I couldn't find the ripcord. And I wasn't even sure there was one. And if there was, what did that ride look like? What did it look like to say goodbye to the person you loved and move on? Did I even want to find out?