A wife for my brother

Deanna’s birthday was nothing more than a get-together at home with some friends and family. Strangely, Camilla suffered a terrible stomach ache on the same day. Charles arrived with a gift, had a few drinks and left; it was a young people’s dinner party.

When she had told him they were rowdy, she meant that most of them were musicians, and they packed the small place where she had her music room. The evening turned into a bohemian scene, between songs and instruments. Daniel felt like a toad from another well, although he kept a cheerful and cordial mood. But he would not be separated from her; with the exception of Laura, Susan and Deanna herself, they were all men. Younger men.

Harry stood in a corner, quiet, self-absorbed. He was making a huge effort to stay in the same room and not run away. How long was it going to take him to forget her? He barely spoke to anyone and watched Daniel with distaste when they exchanged glances. He only seemed to come back to life when the birthday girl sang a song; then he shut himself away again.

He was becoming a bitter man; he simply couldn’t process in his head everything that was going on around him. Seeing them together, seeing them happy, seeing them love each other; it should have been him, not Daniel. He got annoyed at Laura’s insistence that he join in with the guitar and left saying he’d have a cigarette.

Deanna looked at him the whole time, saw his different face; it wasn’t the same old Harry. Laura’s sad expression told her that things hadn’t improved between them. What was wrong with that boy? Why didn’t he come to tell her his problems like he used to?

-I’ll go get some drinks,’ she said to Daniel, standing up.

-No need, I’ll go.

– No, no, anyway, I have to go to the bathroom… don’t worry about it.

She left without giving him time to reply. Daniel exchanged glances with Susan and she understood.

– So this is where you’ve been hiding, kid –

– Hi Deanna –

– Do you want a drink? –

– No, I’d better not…

– Harry… tell me what’s going on? –

– What do you mean, what’s the matter? –

– I visited Laura the other day, she’s worried and a bit sad about you… It seems that the eccentric and crazy Harry Crusher is out of sight –

– I’m just trying to adjust… It’s nothing serious, Dean –

She leaned against the wall beside him and was silent. She was always comfortable to be with, even without speaking. She was a perennial presence that gave him security and confidence. Deanna solved all his inner conflicts with a smile and words of encouragement, always telling him that he could handle anything. Anything but this, except the image of her brother above her on a desk. Worse still when he kissed her and touched her. And like a repetitive echo Daniel’s words accusing him of being too little of a man for her.

A coward. It hurt him more than anything else. That he had been a coward and not told her how he felt for fear of rejection. And now there was no going back, now everything was lost. Now he was married, to be a father, and she was with his brother.

-You’re both sleeping together, aren’t you? –

He didn’t even realize what he was saying, as if speaking his thoughts aloud. Deanna didn’t answer right away.

-Yes.

– Yeah, of course you are.

– You know, let’s give it a try… really –

– Try? What can you try with a 40-year-old man with three kids? –

The bitterness again.

– And what does that mean? –

– Come on Deanna! He’s almost old enough to be your dad. What is he, some kind of ‘stand-in dad’ to you? –

You coward, you can’t even tell him the truth now.

– Of course he isn’t! –

-It was supposed to last for a while and that’s it. You’re going to drop out of school? You’re going to give up everything to be with him and then you’ll get tired –

– You’re talking bullshit. What is it that bothers you? I’m here because of you and Laura… What came up between us neither of us planned it, it just happened.

– Do you really think he didn’t plan it? Don’t be naive, for God’s sake! You don’t know him, this is just a comfortable entertainment for Daniel, he doesn’t even have to pick you up somewhere, he has you in his house…’.

His soul ached and he wanted her to get some of that pain too. He wanted to hurt her and make her bleed like him.

-You think he ‘seduced’ me… You think that! I can’t believe that! You see me as an ignorant child, you think I don’t know men and he’s going to trick me to use me and then throw me away…

– He’s got you for a babysitter, you’re his nanny, you’re his only child!

– He’s got you for a nanny, you’re his mistress. What else? And don’t tell me you’re his wife! He walks you all over the place so they can see he’s got a young woman to wallow in his ego! –

Maybe if he gave her one lunge after another he could convince her.

– Daniel’s not like that! You’re the one who doesn’t know me. I don’t care about the age difference, I don’t care if he has 1, 3 or 7 children. Since when do you care about such things? All that didn’t matter to you the day you asked me to marry him! –

– Because you didn’t sleep with my brother! –

– What is it? Some kind of jealousy scene because I got my hands on your immaculate hero? –

– That fucker’s nobody’s hero! He’s going to put you in his bed until he’s sick of you! You delude yourself like an inexperienced teenager, you don’t even meet the criteria to be the wife of a man with his ‘reputation’ Do you want me to give you a time limit on when he’ll throw you out of his life? Or shall I give you yours when he can’t keep up with a younger woman and you’re bored? –

He looked at her with eyes full of anger, jealousy, hatred, but hers had filled with tears. He saw the first of them roll down her cheek and felt a bucket of cold water on his back. What did he do? He dumped all the frustration, the bitterness, the unease on Deanna. In the end, he was worse than Daniel.

-You don’t suppose I didn’t think of all that already?

Her smile was sad and more tears came.

– Of course I thought about it! Of course I thought about it… I’m afraid too… But that’s not why I’m not going to stop trying. If I’m a toy for Daniel, at least I know I don’t see him that way. I can’t even say I’m going to get money out of him! That’s how foolish I am. I love him so much that I fight every day to fit into his life, for him to fit into mine! Yes, he’s older! So what? And if he dumps me because I’m not ‘Lady’ Deanna, so be it! I was worried about you, because you’re sad and I don’t know what’s wrong with you. I would never have imagined that you are so prejudiced… You’re such a jerk… –This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

Her face was already soaked, her mouth was trembling and it hurt so, so much. All his insecurities on full display, exposed for anyone to see. And Harry had pointed them out as sins; his dear friend, his ‘little brother’. She stood bravely in the face of his accusations, defended how she felt about Daniel, defended her own pride, but her insides were shivering with cold; pain is cold, icy and sharp.

Harry couldn’t speak any more. Seeing her cry because of his guilt, because of his cowardice, because he couldn’t tell her that he was actually jealous, that he loved her, that she forgave him for not confessing to her sooner. He couldn’t tell her that his sadness was caused by his grief for having lost her to his brother, or that he had married because of a pregnancy. He wanted to hug her, to beg her forgiveness, but he couldn’t move.

Deanna came in feeling defeated. And Harry’s grief exploded. Susan stood listening to them, silent and restless for him to tell her the true reasons for his sorrows. She went out and wrapped her little brother in her arms that he might not pour out his grief alone. She prayed to the heavens that time would pass quickly so that his grief would be quick to fade and that Daniel’s love would be strong enough to withstand all the offensives that still awaited him.